From being Frozen -- to 9 months in my belly -- to days in my arms...
Honestly, I have been working on this post for weeks and weeks.I just didn't know what to say and how to find the words.
November of last year I wrote a post about the struggles of infertility and how being open about them made a world of difference for me. One month after that post and my many failed cycles, Dr. Levine at the Fertility Institute of New Jersey and New Yor implanted two more embryos in hopes of creating a baby. After my post, I took on the ideology to just ride the wave. There was NOTHING in my control and whatever happened, happened.
The worst part about the whole "trying to get pregnant" process, is time. The time waiting to see if it worked. The time waiting to try again. The time waiting for your emotions, your anger, your hopelessness to pass. The time waiting for your bank account to just get enough to pay for the next treatment. Time...it works for us and against us.
It was the worst week possible when they implanted my 2nd two frozen embryos. I got very little sleep, everything seemed to be going wrong, I was stressed, I thought there was no way it could work. But okay, I could do it again if I had too, giving up was not an option.
But somehow it worked! I sat crying in disbelief. The numbers were good. I was technically pregnant...
For the next few weeks I came in to check my levels and see how the lil' embryo was progressing. I was pregnant but things could still go wrong. I was okay with that, it happens. I was taking endless amounts of medications and Ach gave me shots night after night. With a sore tush and hopeful heart I woke up each day and just prayed for the next week in pregnancy to come. Week 4..5..6..how was I to make it all the way to 40? Would it really happen?
At 6 weeks I heard the heart beat.
Still, something could happen. I didn't post anything or make an announcement. I didn't want to make anyone jealous, I didn't want to jinx this miracle. It wasn't anyone on social media's business however I knew you were all praying. But now I feel it's most important to share.
Every time my pregnancy was discussed I would explain that this baby was IVF. I am so proud. It wasn't a big deal it was just my normal!
Looking back, I wouldn't change my experience for the world. All the failures -- all the heartache.. I wouldn't have gotten this soul otherwise. The amount of money paid for this miracle baby was a tremendous toll, but we got through it somehow and he was worth it. Every. single. penny.
I could be angry that I had to pay for a baby and go through months of medical procedures, early mornings, TONS OF SHOTS, while other people sneeze and get pregnant. But why is that fair? We all have our own struggles. Without this one, what would my life be?
It's cliche to say that everything happens for a reason. But sometimes it's true.
With this photo of my belly, which I adored, and my shots, I wanted to show how beautiful the journey can be. Just because it's different doesn't change the fact that it's special.
Every baby is a miracle. Every voyage has a purpose. Infertility is not a sentence, it's a challenge that hopefully can be met with amazing Doctors like Dr. Levine and my amazing PA Alyson Butle. Medicine is there for us, and has many (although not all) the answers.
I encourage you to embrace it. If you are experiencing troubles getting pregnant, it may be hard to talk about. That's okay you don't have to be so open like me, not at all.
But I want you to know it doesn't make you any less capable, less important, less beautiful, or any less of a woman. It makes your journey to meeting your child even more your own. More unique. More special.
Remember every failure brings you one step closer to success.
I am thinking of all of you Mommies and Daddies to be out there. And anyone going through something hard. I know it seems endless. The unknown is pure torture. It seems unfair of me to say it will all be okay -- who knows what will happen. When you're in it, it's the worst. But as much as those shots and medical visits suck, your journey is beautiful. And I believe ❤
Thank you to Zahava Polloc for the belly pic!